Thursday, April 15, 2010

The females rejecting me are blatant obstructionists

It’s happened again. After months of carefully constructing a pick-up line (“Hey babe, wanna try my stimulus package?”) that if successful would provide free benefits to as many as two unattached people, the final result from all the females I asked was a unanimous “No!”

If this were a one-off event, it might be understandable. But as I can show you, it was part of a consistent pattern of lockstep, stubborn opposition to my agenda. I asked twelve females “Wanna create a job, if you know what I mean?” and what was the tally? 0-12 against. “Can we foreclose in your house?” also failed to elicit a single “Yes.” No matter how much I tried to reach out to them by modifying my proposals to include female-friendly features such as my offering of free candy out of my pocket, it was still “No!” “No!” and “No!”

Now, I’m not unreasonable. I can understand that some females may have reservations with parts of my plans for them. That’s why I was willing to sit down with each and every resistant female in a personal, one-on-one discussion. We would, as adults, calmly and rationally discuss exactly what she found so objectionable about my proposal. Then by constructively determining our common ground, we would see if we could work out a compromise.

Unfortunately though, not one female took up my offer. I haven’t seen bad faith negotiators like these ever since my parents refused to let me play with matches. Not only did I get barraged with “No!” after “No!” - some females were so immature that they also threatened to call the police if I didn’t stop trying to arrange meetings in the parking lots of their workplaces.

I have now decided that females simply lack the mental capacity to come up with more coherent arguments. They are only to see that I am behind a proposal before they instantly reject it irrespective of its merits. (I have actually measured the average speed of rejection and I assure you it is far below the necessary time to adequately process such an important decision). More importantly, I have not once heard a single female suggest an alternative vision for our future. They simply don’t have one other than “No!” In fact, the sheer uniformity of their responses has made me suspect that they actually want me to fail and so have been coordinating for just that purpose.

I remain confident, however, that this insolent behavior will not go unnoticed. These females will have to face the consequences of their “No” choices to unsympathetic ears. For one, a number of them hail from rather unattractive stock. I envision that they will have a pretty difficult time explaining to their parents why they turned down a prospect so beneficial for extending the family line. And secondly, even the females in relatively good shape may face the ostracism of their peers as a result of their simple lack of constructiveness. I, on the other hand, will surely be vindicated, for even those skeptical of my plans will appreciate the fact that I took a principled stand in the name of progress. These do-nothing females deserve all the contempt they will undoubtedly soon receive.

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